Are you always questioning yourself or riddled with self doubt that keeps you from going after what you want? I’ve been there! The only way to break that pattern is to build relentless and fierce self belief.
Whether it’s the cute guy at the cafe or the career of your dreams, doubt creeps in and keeps you from making the moves to bring your desires into your life. We complain about how hard it is to actually get after what we want when, really, it’s just a serious mindset makeover that needs to occur.
This mindset makeover is all around establishing a fierce belief in yourself, that will help you to have the confidence to get after whatever you want in life.
Here are my five steps to building fierce self belief.
Getting to Know Yourself
Listen, we all think we know ourselves at a deeper level than we really do and often, I have clients try to convince me that self-discovery isn’t really what they need. But here’s the thing – you can’t establish deep belief in any form of religious without knowing some depth around the philosophy and values.
Getting to know yourself can be as simple as witnessing your behavior, feelings, and reactions to what’s happening around you. You can begin to create awareness and journal on what you notice to start seeing patterns around what defines who you are.
There are three main things to learn about yourself for deeper clarity that I break down in this article, but here are the basics:
- Core Values – Our core values are generally only a handful of values that we find the most important.
- Driver – Your “driver” is often the same thing as your “why.”
- Beliefs – Even if you don’t believe in a higher power, you put your faith into something. Your faith may be placed in science, your own mind, humankind, etc.
While it’s awesome to focus on confidence-building, don’t skip the step of getting to know who you are along the way.
Rewriting the Stories
This can be the must challenging, but definitely the most rewarding!
When I mention rewriting the “stories,” we’re often diving into the limiting beliefs and false narratives that have us trapped in a place of self doubt. It’s about looking into our negative thought patterns, especially the ones we have about ourselves, and see where these thoughts originated from.
What are the stories you have that prevent you from going after what you want? Here’s some examples:
- Let’s say you were made fun of as a kid for not being as smart as your classmates or you struggled to get good grades. You create a story that you aren’t intelligent and, therefore, aren’t worthy of the career or position that you desire. Rewriting the story would be able claiming a new dialogue that you are smart and finding evidence in your life that supports that.
- My client, Bella, had this fear that everyone was looking at her all the time and it made her feel insecure. As a tall and stunning WOC living in the states, she always felt like she drew attention from everyone, in a negative way. In rewriting her story, we witnessed the memories where her beliefs felt true, but then we found lots of evidence of experiences where she wasn’t singled out. She was able to see this belief differently.
You can test your new theories, ask friends or people who love you to point out where your beliefs aren’t accurate, or, if you can’t find evidence in your own life, find stories from other people who have overcome the obstacles you’re facing.
Establish Deep Self-Acceptance
Sometimes, we don’t need a new story. We just need to accept things as they are.
For example, I was diagnosed with depression (and later anxiety) pretty young. It’s something that left me feeling embarrassed and unsure of my abilities. I overcompensated by taking on perfectionism as a way of masking my mental health challenges.
In doing the work of loving myself, I began to understand “shadow work,” which I identified as learning to accept (or love) the parts of myself that I’d normally keep hidden. Once I was able to accept that I experienced anxiety, I was able to see it with more compassion and grace. Now, I embrace that part of me.
Shadow work can be able identifying things we have shame around or need to forgive ourselves for, such as past mistakes or behavioral things we don’t appreciate. While some of those changes may feel good to seek out, the other part of shadow work isn’t necessarily about hiding the “bad” stuff.
I see clients who hide their goofy side because it seems unprofessional or who hid away their creativity because it wasn’t valued in their workplace. Self acceptance is about valuing ALL parts of you.
Change Your Self Talk
Now that you’ve established some new beliefs, it’s time to change up your thought patterns or self talk. It’s about changing the internal dialogue from criticism to kindness.
If you struggle with quieting the voice of criticism in your brain, it’s normal. Most likely, you’ve been hard on yourself for a while now and perhaps only started being kind more recently. I spent an estimate of 20 years of my life being self critical and only about three years of practicing kindness.
That time difference matters. Our brains are pretty obsessed with patterns and habits. They’re actually pretty hard to break. Think of it as little pathways in the brain.
Let’s say you’ve been taking the same morning walk every day, creating a path through a field. The path has grown worn from your daily presence and your body acts on autopilot each morning to your pathway.
One day, you realize a new route, one that’s much prettier and more enjoyable. You commit to that new path because it feels great.
Some mornings, you actively remember to take the new route, even though it’s not the obvious path. Many other mornings, your autopilot is on and you find yourself down the old, worn path without realizing it. You may even notice it halfway through your walk and decide to go back and start again.
It takes a bit more effort to remember and select the new, more pleasant path each day. Eventually, the new path is worn and obvious, while the old path will become wild and forgotten.
It takes time. It works the same way in our brain!
Being kind to yourself is a new brain pathway. Be patient with yourself while you transition to new behavior. You’ll get there one day at a time.
Embracing Fierce Self Belief
This is the fun part!
After you do the deep inner shifts, you can focus on the enjoyment of embodying your new way of thinking. Or more accurately, your new way of being.
Now, you don’t have to fake it. You can remind yourself of your new beliefs, that you are worthy of the life you desire exactly as you are, and your attitude will start to replicate that. You remember that you are fierce and adjust your walk to showcase just that.
This is the fun part of playing around with what helps you to embody that belief in yourself. It’s about experimenting and seeing what works for you.
You can check out this article on ideas for feeling more confident, but some if the things my clients enjoy are:
- Wearing certain makeup, like dark lips, that help them feel bold (oh wait, this is me).
- Dancing to a badass playlist in the morning to feel lit up.
- Speaking confidence affirmations out loud in the mirror.
- Trying new things or tackling their fears.
You can also create an alter ego version of you if it feels good to do so. You can remind yourself of your best features and, possibly, the attitudes that you’re aspiring to bring out withing yourself. Maybe you can represent that version of you with an outfit or lipstick choice that you can put on and “step into” that fiercer version of yourself.
Eventually, the more you practice, it will feel like your everyday self.
Be Patient for Fierce Self Belief
Of course, I could write an entire book on stepping into fierce self belief (and probably will), but this is a great outline for getting started. Even if you have resistance to some of these steps, I encourage you to face that resistance head on and work through it.
This work takes patience and dedication. I rarely see women change their way of thinking or behavior within a few days, if ever. Be gentle about the expectations you place on yourself.
If this article is resonating with you and you’d like to explore self-belief practices with me, I invite you to join me on a free consult. I work with women who are truly ready for a completely new story and are fed up with playing small. It’s perfect for you if you’re tired of fear keeping you from the life, career, or relationships that you know (maybe deep down) you’re truly worthy of!
One step at a time, my dear. You’ve got it.